I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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