omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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