I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
