if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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