im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
