I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
