Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
