he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
