Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
