I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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