We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
