She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
