You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
