please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
