ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
