i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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