if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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