I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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