I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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