Ambien. No doubt about it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
