Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
