i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
