the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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