so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
