and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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