i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
