the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
