i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
