ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
