I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
