The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
