The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
