Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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