I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
