Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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