I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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