Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
