I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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