So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
