The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
