I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
