she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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