Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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