the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
