shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
