Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My bed smells like the plague
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
