Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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