your parents love me but you hate me
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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