Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she pinky promised me she was 18
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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