i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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