Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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