Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
