My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
