yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
