I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
